On Marriage

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Welcome to this last talk on the topic of marriage. Tonight, we're going to look at the marital strength that we receive through the sacraments of the Catholic Church. And this was a study or is a study in eight parts on marriage. And like I said, today's talk is the last one in the series. So with this, let us stand up and begin with the word of prayer.

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In the name of the Father, of the Son, of the Holy Spirit. Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your spirit and they shall be created and you shall renew the face of the earth. O God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy his consolations through Christ our Lord. Amen.

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Please be seated. So far in the series, we've introduced three foundational concepts, the senses of scripture, the covenant and recapitulation. I'm not going to cover those again. You've seen them a number of times during the whole talk, the whole series, I mean. We've considered the Garden of Eden as the principal model for marriage. We looked to Noah and his family as a model under duress. We followed Jacob and his clan through his mistakes and foibles. We reflected on Israel and Goshen.

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We considered our journey through the wilderness and looked at marriage and light of the cross and the sacrament, and all through a recapitulative lens. What we'll cover tonight is that we're going to go back to the beginning, to the garden, and we're going to look at the elements of a marital moral imperative, which is a really critical concept for successful marriages. And then we'll look at sacramental recapitulation and get through Q &A. So back to the beginning.

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As you know, we've looked at the Garden of Eden multiple times. And so by way of summary, the Garden of Eden was watered by a river that flowed from the East. The source of that river was outside of Eden and it watered Eden, allowed it to have fruitful trees. And from Eden, the river broke into four branches that then watered the world. The garden.

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was guarded and was tilled. That was the duty that God gave Adam and by extension Eve to guard and to till. And the principal reason for guarding and tilling is so that the fruit trees produce fruit and that the garden would flourish and from the garden the world can be nourished. This is in a nutshell a model of

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of society and civilization as God sees it. The heart of the model is the family and good families build good societies and good societies allow good civilization to flourish. That is the proper order, which is why this model is so critical for us and to properly understand.

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What is a garden? In the slide you can see I have images of multiple gardens. Well, in one sense a garden is a place. All gardens have basic things in common. They have a rich soil, fresh water and good seeds. Left to its own devices, a garden dies. It requires gardeners to thrive. Gardeners must till and guard.

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To gardeners, a garden is also a vision and a mission. It is not just a place. Why? Because they're tilling and guarding to conform the garden to a vision in their mind. Therefore, there are as many gardens as there are gardeners. Keeping that model in mind, we move to the next slide when we ask this question. What is a marriage?

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Marriage is a state. It is a state in which a man and a woman find themselves bound together. All marriages have basic things in common. Exclusivity, indissolubility and openness to life. Those three elements are part of God's design for every marriage. Left to its own devices, a marriage dies. It requires constant care to thrive. That is a really important point for anyone

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who is interested in the marital life or is already married. You can't put your marriage on autopilot and hope that it will thrive no more so than you can put a guard in the autopilot and hope it will produce good fruits. It just doesn't work that way. To the couple, marriage is also a vision and a mission. When a couple gets married, they have a vision in mind.

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what their marital life would be like and a mission they want to be able to reach to make that vision a reality through that mission. And therefore there are as many marriages as there are couples. You can then see the similarities between marriages and gardens. Which then brings us to this really important idea on the next slide of a marital moral imperative. First and foremost, what is a moral imperative?

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It's a strong ethical principle that compels a person to act. Not following this principle is contrary to reason and is immoral. So a moral imperative is first and foremost a strong ethical moral principle.

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That principle compels a person to act, hence the imperative piece of it. Not following it, not acting, is contrary to reason and is considered immoral. In marriage, a moral imperative upholds the union's foundation of exclusivity and dissolubility and openness to life. If there is no moral imperative, the marriage is in peril. It is facing

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a danger that the men and women are not even aware exists. A successful marriage is built on a strong moral imperative. And it's up to the couple to define what that imperative is. And there are as many marital moral imperatives as there are marriages. I'll give you some examples. Let's consider Adam and Eve and ask ourselves this question. What would be their moral imperative?

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We can express it as motto, as a short statement. In their case, it would be till and guard. That is their moral imperative. If we expand it, if we unfurl that and develop it a little bit, we can say that the moral imperative is as follows. Adam and Eve are equal in dignity before God. We, meaning Adam and Eve, we make choices together. We will cultivate our home with love and care.

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and we will protect our relationship above all. Had Adam and Eve followed that moral imperative, they would have been better equipped to resist the temptation that Satan put in front of them. But because when Eve faced the devil, she did not have a proper moral compass to follow, nor a moral imperative to live by, it was a lot easier for her to fall.

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Let's look at Mr. and Mrs. Noah. Together in faith, unyielding in adversity. could be a good motto for them given their lives and what they have to face. So their moral imperative could be summarized as follows. Together we stand in faith. We have each other's backs. We trust in God's plan for our family. We nurture hope in times of difficulty. That would be a guiding light for them in their marriage.

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And you can, I hope you're starting to see how developing a moral imperative is really critical for a couple if they want their marital life to succeed.

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Abraham and Sarah, their motto might be trust in promise, loyalty in journey. So we trust in God's promise, we remain loyal to one another, we journey together in faith, we embrace the future with courage. Again, those are examples. Obviously, these moral imperatives are not written as I am describing now in Scripture. This is a sort of projection out of the text of Scripture and what the moral imperative might have been had they written it.

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but it reflects their lives and the way they live.

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Isaac and Rebecca, their motto might be love and respect our guiding light. Their moral imperative, love and respect above all. We will be open and honest. We support each other's dreams. Our family will be rooted in faith.

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And Hannah Elkhana who are Samuel's parents and as you know, did not have, they were childless for the longest time. And so their motto might be hope in God, nurture faith, stay basically true to your faith in God no matter what. The moral imperative might be we will uplift each other's aspirations. We will nurture each other's faith. We will raise our children with love.

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and will seek God's guidance in all things. hope you're starting to see that there could be as many moral imperatives as there are marriages because a moral imperative really truly reflect the gifts, the talents, and the vision of a marital life that God gives each couple. Boaz and Ruth. Their motto might be kindness and integrity are foundation.

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So Boaz and Ruth, by the way, in case you're wondering who they are, they are in the lineage of David. And they came together at one point because Ruth was a foreigner, but Boaz loved her and then they got together. The more imperative might be we will show kindness to one another. We will act with integrity in our relationship. We will support each other's needs. We will build a life of compassion and love.

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And then finally, Our Lady and St. Joseph. Their motto might be, steadfast love, divine purpose. We are the Lord's servants. We will trust in God's purpose for our lives. We will protect and nurture our family. St. Joseph, protector of the Holy Family and also protector of the Universal Church. We will face challenges together in faith. Those are examples that I'm giving in the hope that

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where if you are in a marital relationship or you are about to get into one, you might want to start to think about what that imperative might be for you and for your spouse. Typically, a marital moral imperative springs from the moral imperative that you have as individuals. And when you come together, there are facets of each other's lives.

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that you want to meld to make one and those will give rise to your moral imperative. If you're interested in finding more details about that particular topic I do recommend you listen to the series called the 7 % where I go into you know greater details where I go into greater details about moral imperatives.

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So what are the elements of a marital moral imperative? Let's look at that. Let's go over that for a little bit. Typically, we need to look at how dating usually plays out when a man and woman date. What happens? Well, let's look at the way a man thinks of himself. It might be things like I'm tidy, I'm healthy, I'm thrifty, I'm educated, I like sports, I like D &D.

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I like to party, like sleeping around, I like money, I like to travel, I want a cute girlfriend, I like cats, like the Yankees, I like nice weather. Typically we think of ourselves as lots of likes and dislikes. In other words, of things to have or have not. Instead of really thinking of ourselves in terms of being, which would be virtues. We're more oriented towards what we have than who we are.

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And then there is what she thinks of herself. Similarly, she might think I'm generous, I'm healthy, I'm classy, I'm smart. I like music, I like to get high, I like to party, I like to gossip, I like high-end stuff. I like to travel, I want a rich boyfriend, I like dogs, I like the red socks, I like snow. Okay, that's what they think of each other. However, what they reveal to the other is a subset of this. So in the case of the guy,

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He might not reveal straight away that he like DMD or like sleeping around or like money. And likewise, she might not reveal that she likes to get high or like to gossip or like and then stuff. In other words, when we date, because we're focused on what we have and what we want, we tend to be, we tend to be hypocrites. You know, the root word of hypocrite is actor.

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So we're acting out, we're pretending to be what we're not because we're only presenting a sliver of ourselves. That's how typically dating begins and if it is not corrected, it's a recipe for trouble, if not disaster.

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Marriage then looks like this. There is what we keep to ourselves, what the man keeps to himself, what the woman keeps to herself, and then what's in common. It's a subset of who they are.

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And that's a key misconception. It's a key misconception to think that the goal of a marital moral imperative is a better marriage.

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The goal of a marital moral imperative is for the man and the woman to become the best possible versions of themselves. In Catholic terminology, we call this holiness. So again, the purpose of a marital moral imperative isn't a better marriage. In other words, you're not building a better marriage. It's the other way around.

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Marriage's purpose is to make a better version of you, make you holy. Therefore, a marital moral imperative arises from the personal moral imperatives of the man and the woman. It requires an intense, dedicated and honest commitment that we are willing to give to things that personally matter to us. So it isn't something you can develop in an hour. It requires

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conversations, serious conversations, honest and open conversations between the man and the woman to help them define the way marriage will allow them to become the better version of themselves. So you can see here, the commitment isn't to the other. We are not creating a marital moral imperative so you can make the other happy. You're creating one

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so that the marriage allows you to become the better version of yourself and therefore allows you to become happy. You can't make your spouse happy. Your spouse can't make you happy. What brings happiness is virtue and competency. So the more virtuous you are, the more competent you are, the happier you will be. And through that process,

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You will inspire the other to imitate you and therefore find happiness.

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So, a marital imperative starts with a personal moral imperative for the man and the woman. It is built to let them both become the better version of themselves. And it is built to let them help each other in becoming the better version of themselves. This is not an arena where the man is improving on his own and the woman is improving on his own. It is one where they are helping each other. Hence, the scripture says that...

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Eve would be a helper fit for Adam and by extension Adam would be a helper fit for her so that they could become holy.

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Whatever is congruent with the marital imperative, they keep. Whatever is detrimental, they reject. So it isn't two circles. So marriage is not two circles with an intersection. And the intersection is the scope of the marital union. Marriage is the totality of a relationship between a man and a woman. It encompasses both of them. And...

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They are very vigilant in making sure that whatever helps and nurtures this garden, this marriage is kept. And whatever is detrimental or could harm that union is rejected.

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So, with that in mind, we're going now to go through sacramental recapitulation and see how the sacraments themselves can act as a blueprint to help us define the Emerital Moral Imperative. And here I am not going to define Emerital Moral Imperative for you because like I said, these are as unique as the couples themselves are unique. However, I am just going to give you a series of considerations.

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that you might choose in order to build your own marital moral imperative using the sacraments as our guideposts. So, what are the ingredients of marital moral imperative? Christ, we know, did not leave us alone. He gave us the Church as our Mother and the Church offers the sacraments as means to guard and to our souls, persons.

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Therefore, we can rely on the sacraments to pick out specific ingredients that are a must for any marital imperative.

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Let's start with baptism. Baptism confers the theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity. So from that, from the virtues that are conferred by baptism, we can then derive that a marital moral imperative should include trust, joy, and forgiveness.

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as ingredients that you can use in order to define what that moral imperative will be. It will be one in which you uphold trust, you will work to create a joyful home, and you will work to forgive each other.

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Confirmation is a sacrament that bestows the following graces. Stronger faith, increased grace for holiness and virtue, stronger commitment to the Church, greater service, fruits of the Holy Spirit. From these, we can add to trust, joy, and forgiveness, honesty, commitment to the family, service, love, patience,

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kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. We derive those from the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Now I am not implying that your marital moral imperative must include every one of these words. I am simply saying you need to look at those and see which ones really speak to you. Which ones are the ones that you consider them to be the most essential ones, the ones that reflect who you are and your spouse would do the same thing.

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And together then you will define a moral imperative that helps you really focus on the journey together and help you then guard your marriage and till it.

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Communion. Communion bestows the following graces. Union with Christ, spiritual strength, forgiveness of venial sins, unity with the church, anticipation of eternal life. So from these, we can derive spousal love, courage, spousal unity, anticipation of a successful end of marriage, which is another form of hope. In other words, you can trust

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that Christ will get your marriage to a happy ending, which is a life in heaven where you and your spouse will enjoy the fruit of your marriage for eternity. Scripture and the church teaches that when we're in heaven, we are no longer in a marital union. We're not married. Nevertheless, the love that a husband and wife share

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doesn't dissipate, doesn't disappear in heaven. It remains and it is glorified. Now would be the proper end of marriage.

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Confession. Confession bestows the following graces. Forgiveness of sins, spiritual healing, renewed commitment to conversion, peace of conscience, strengthening of relationships, growth in humility, encouragement to live a moral life. And so from these, we can derive healing, accountability, peace, respect,

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Humility, love of what is good. You can see now how we're adding these ingredients within the context of the marital union, but those ingredients do not make a marital moral imperative. Like the exams I've showed you before, you need to be able to succinctly define what that moral imperative will be for you and your spouse and what it really consists of.

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Matrimony, sacrament matrimony bestows the following graces. Grace to live the vows, strengthening of love, unity in the solubility, support in challenges, openness to life, sanctification of daily life, witness to the community, encouragement to grow in virtue. And so from these we can derive willing service, generosity,

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ordered life, ordered social life, and virtue-centric family. And that's really important to make virtue be the center and heart of the family life and make sure that you teach your children what virtues are and you help them grow in virtue.

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Noting of the sick bestows the following graces. Spiritual healing, physical healing, strengthening of faith, forgiveness of sins, preparation for death, support for family and community, grace to endure suffering, encouragement to live and hope. And then from these, we can derive a few additional ingredients. No fear of death.

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support of the community, suffering well for Christ. On the subject of death, I want to point out that if you have a fear of death, if you're fearing death, or if you fear natural darkness, the night, when being in the place where there's no light, you might want to pray.

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God to give you peace and give you his strength and his joy. Natural darkness is just as natural as daylight. And should that induce fear, there should be no reason for you to be afraid.

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in middle of the night, but if you are unable to go to sleep in the dark, then you might be suffering from some sort of oppression that you want to hear from. That could happen, for instance, if you've lived a life in which where basically you may have watched horror movies. These things tend to induce.

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that kind of fear from the dark and you really need to work on freeing yourself from it so you can bring peace to your home. That's sort of important. That's an aside, but it's important.

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So now that we've gone through all these ingredients, what's left to be done? Like I said, these are just ingredients. They are ingredients to be used as building blocks for a personal moral imperative. And then from there, a marital moral imperative. So you can see when dating is not just meant for, it's not just meant for time spent together.

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in enjoying each other. Absolutely you want to do that. You want to enjoy the other person's presence and have a good time. But it's also meant to learn about each other and build that roadmap together of what your marital life would look like by working on defining what that marital moral imperative would be to help guide you through the rest of your life.

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Building such imperatives is the work of a lifetime. You need to be patient and don't get discouraged. You might go through multiple versions before you really find out the ones that will stay with you and the ones that will really define your marital life. And it isn't something that can be done quickly.

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You need to take time. need to think about it, but keep working at it. As long as you're working on it, you're tilling and guarding your marital life. And that will allow you to protect and nurture your family and make it a place where hope, joy, and peace are welcoming invitations to others to come and see and discover.

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who God is. It's a fact of life that in the life of most converts there is at least one family. Converts typically aren't pulled into the faith by abstract principles only.

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They're pulled into the faith by meeting people living the faith, families living the faith, seeing what Eden is supposed to look like and being attracted by it. Which is why when you till and guard your family, when you have a clear understanding about the purpose and mission of your family and your marriage, you become a beacon of hope for others.

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I will close with that quotation by St. John Paul II, love between man and woman is a reflection of the love of God who is the source of all love. In marriage, the couple is called to be a living sign of God's love in the world. And in conclusion,

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We can see that we've used recapitulation to reflect on marriage in light of scripture and the teaching of the Catholic Church. There are a few things to keep in mind. Marriage is a covenant between God and the couple. Once ratified, it cannot be broken. The purpose of marriage is a road back to God. It is the natural calling for all of us. Marriage is not meant to make us happy.

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Happiness and joy are derivatives of a life well lived They are the fruit meaning happiness and joy are the fruit of virtue and competency Do not expect someone else to make you happy Of course other than God We bring joy and hope into our marriage not the other way around Last but not least if all we did was to remain faithful to the marital covenant God who cannot be deceived nor can be

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who doesn't deceive nor can be deceived will do the rest. Let me expand a little bit more on that particular point. Developing a moral imperative is hard because it is going to highlight your potential brokenness, highlight the fact that maybe you're coming from a dysfunctional family.

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highlight your challenges, your difficulties and it is not an easy thing to do. So don't get discouraged. The point I'm making here is that the sacrament of marriage is stronger than your brokenness, stronger than your weakness, stronger than your failures. So if you did nothing else but put your faith and trust in the sacrament,

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And in the author of the sacrament, the Lord Jesus Christ, He will see you through, no matter what.

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Don't let anyone pull you away from that trust. The trust in the one who died on the cross for your marriage and who guarantees it by his blood. By trusting in him and knowing he is the rock upon which your marriage is going to be built, you can be assured.

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no matter the difficulties and your weaknesses and your failures and your shortcomings, you will arrive safely to shore. Never forget that. God bless you. I hope you found this series helpful and if you did, please let others know. Thank you.